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11 Reasons Why You Should Burn Your Sweatpants

Yesterday, I saw a grown woman standing in line at Starbucks wearing a camisole, oversized sweatpants, and pool flip flops. I did a double take. Other than her outfit, nothing about her screamed “My life is falling apart and if you smile at me I’ll probably collapse into the fetal position at your feet and cry.” It was weird. It was as if she were a normal, well-to-do public.

For the next six minutes while she waited for her overpriced Frappa-latte-cino-no-whip-extra-hot-this-cheaper-than-therapy-thankyouverymuch, I watched her like a hawk. Every move, every glance, every look over her shoulder. I was obsessed with this woman in sweatpants. She looked to be in her mid-forties, likely a fake blonde -- her color was impeccable, but let’s be honest, do you actually know anyone over the age of ten who is a real blonde? -- and she carried with her both a yoga mat and an Italian leather bag.

As I started to put it together that this woman was not in fact homeless as I had previously thought, but rather, had likely just finished yoga at the studio next door and had popped into Starbucks for an afternoon pick-me-up, I became even more concerned about her attire. In what world is it okay for someone with a home and running water to wear oversized, grey space pants in public? And more importantly, was this outfit a fluke -- or has it become acceptable to wear sweats in public?

I shudder at the thought.

While I never approached her for clarification (we all have our limits), I watched in awe as she got into her luxury SUV and drove off into the quite literal sunset. I mean, I know that we all rolled our eyes in the “Oh. Celebrity marriage advice...just what I need” sort of way when Eva Mendes said a few weeks ago that sweatpants are the leading cause of divorce, but I can’t imagine that any sweatpants have actually helped any marriage, either. I wanted to run after Sweatpants’ car, screaming “You’re better than this! Have you never heard of leggings?!” But I didn’t. Instead, I came home, poured an extra-large glass of wine, and wrote “Why You Need To Burn Your Sweatpants” in my idea journal. Because if there’s one thing I learned from my mother, it’s that it’s inappropriate to embarrass someone to their face...but behind their back is a different story.

  1. Because the Michelin Man “look” looks good on one person...and his name is the Michelin Man.
  2. Because in what world do you want people to think that your style inspiration is Dr. Evil from “Austin Powers”?
  3. Because leggings exist.
  4. Because why would you want someone to compare your shape to that of a sack of flour?
  5. Because maternity clothes are cute there is seriously no excuse.
  6. Because do you really want people to know that you bought sweatpants? Like. You spent money on those things. No one should know that. Keep it to yourself.
  7. Because there comes a time in every girl’s life when she wants people to be able to tell that she is actually a girl.
  8. Because no significant other, friend, or child should have to mutter the words “Please don’t wear your sweatpants again.”
  9. Because yelling at kids in high school to “pull up [their] pants” while you simultaneously pull up your own is sad.
  10. Because you can get away with wearing leggings as “real” pants now.
  11. Because “Orange Is The New Black” is a lot of things...but style inspiration is not one of them.