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A Comical (And In No Way Scientific) Ranking Of The Men On “Shark Tank”


If you’re familiar with a certain wildly popular ABC show -- and also Hold Your Haunches -- you probably know that HYH was featured on season 5 of “Shark Tank.” While hanging with the sharks, the Head Haunchos successfully dodged Mr. Wonderful’s accusations of fraud (as if he’s never heard of makeup or a push-up bra before. Newsflash, Kevin: we’re ALL a bunch of liars. It’s called being a woman), and walked away with a deal with Lori and Barbara. Per usual, it was the women who wanted to roll up their sleeves and get to work, while the men simply wanted to enjoy the benefits (“Can you send my wife a pair of these?”) -- but that’s okay. HYH now has two of the most powerful businesswomen in the country in their corner -- and can still poke fun at the men of “Shark Tank,” guilt free.

Taking into account looks, personality, sense of humor, patience, willingness to cut a check, dance skills, and the inexplicable “it” factor, here is our not so scientific ranking of everyone’s favorite male Sharks.

#4 Kevin O’Leary


If then men of “Shark Tank” were to somehow switch places with Snow White’s dwarf friends, there is no doubt about it that Kevin would be Grumpy. While we really do think that he’s a good guy deep, deep, deep, deep (how many “deeps” until it gets offensive?) down, he’s made a name for himself playing the “villain.” Though he calls himself Mr. Wonderful, a much more appropriate name would be Mr. No One Else Is Offering You A Deal So Either Pay Me Royalties Or Get The Hell Out. He’s kind of like Daddy Warbucks in “Annie”...except we’re still waiting for the day that he stops being a grump. In all seriousness though, Kevin is charming and smart and handsome in a “Mr. Clean” sort of way. Just like everyone else, we have love for him...even after he called us liars.

#3 Mark Cuban


Mark is the bad boy you dated in college. You knew you wouldn’t marry him, and you knew he’d break your heart, but you still wanted him anyway. Between his outlandish behavior and his 100 percent frat boy attitude, Mark knows what he is...and he doesn’t pretend to be anything different. But despite his “outspoken” tendencies, Mark really is a good guy -- and we love him for it. If it weren’t for the fact that we fear he’d outdrink us any day of the week, he’d be higher up on the list. Sorry, Mark, but a girl’s got to know her limitations, and once you get too many drinkers in a room together it goes from “party” to “AA meeting” quicker than you can say “anyone need a refill?” In all seriousness though, Mark is great and an all-around fun guy. And as for his wife? She needs to start writing “How I Got The Party Boy To Settle Down” ASAP. That’s destined to be an international bestseller. Lookout, Carrie Bradshaw. There’s a new relationship guru in town.

#2 Daymond John


If Mark is the party boy who broke your heart, then Daymond is the good guy that got away. He’s smart, he’s funny, and he just seems like an all around nice person. Plus, have you seen how he dresses? His pocket square game is really just sensational. And in case you weren’t aware, Daymond had a cameo in the shockingly self-aware “Sharknado 2” which really just goes to show you how cool and down to earth he is...especially when you remember that he’s practically a gazillionaire. If it weren’t for one of his costar’s stellar dance moves, it’s likely that Daymond would’ve been #1.

#1 Robert Herjavec


On “Shark Tank,” Robert seems like a really proud dad. He gets so excited when people do a good job pitching, that the look on his face practically screams “Daddy loves you, pumpkin! I’m just so proud!” While he may not offer a deal all that often, his positive presence is almost as good as money. Plus, in addition to “Shark Tank,” he’s currently competing on “Dancing With The Stars” which means that unless another Shark suddenly starts hanging out with Taylor Swift or Donnie Osmond, Robert has effectively solidified his status as the coolest Shark ever.