You told yourself it wouldn’t happen. Not this time. Not this year.
When December rolled around, you swore up and down you wouldn’t fall down the rabbit hole of holiday gluttony. No buffets, no open bars, no cookie swaps with the neighbors. You envisioned yourself in January, skinny and smug around all of your girlfriends whose jeans were now one big breath away from popping.
“ How’d you do it?” they’d ask you. “Tell us your secret!”
And you’d just smile and laugh and say something bratty and discouraging like “Just good genes, I guess!”
...Except that it’s now January. And you’re not skinny and smug. You are, however, cursing yourself for having planned on being such a mean girl. That must be what kept you from being good with your diet. That karma, she’s a real bitch.
So instead of being thin and carefree, you are instead currently carrying, like, a toddler-sized muffin top full of eggnog and wine and fudge and bad decisions around with you everywhere. Your work clothes don’t fit -- hell, your workout clothes don’t even fit -- and you pretty much are just filled with shame and depression and an incurable desire to eat a dozen doughnuts, because, hey, the damage is already done, what’s a few more pounds?
Say it with me now: holiday weight gain sucks.
But you know what? It can easily be fixed.
While diet and exercise are totally on you (we’ll just sit on the sidelines and cheer you on with our wine, thankyouverymuch), we can help you with hiding your weight gain. And, hey, hiding it is way easier than actually getting rid of it. So, win-win, really.
The first and most important thing to remember about holiday weight gain is that you are most likely the only person who has noticed it. You know why? Because 99.99 percent of the people around you are too busy caring about their own muffin top to worry about yours. I guess being a nation of totally self-centered narcissists isn’t always such a bad thing.
The second most important thing to remember is that it’s winter, so even if there are people who managed to stay skinny throughout the holidays and now thrive off of judging others who enjoyed the open bars just a little bit too much (note: these people are terrible. Why did you ever want to be like them?), you can hide all of your post holiday weight with scarves, sweaters, and coats. Thank you, baby Jesus, for having a winter birthday. You da real MVP.
So, let’s just get down to it, shall we?
1. Scarves are your best friend
Blanket scarves are all the rage these days, and for good reason: you get to walk around wearing a blanket in the name of fashion. Ah. What a time to be alive! Don’t waste this current trend and opportunity. They’re essentially an invisibility cloak for all of your winter break mistakes. Another word to sum them up? Miraculous.
2. Elastic waistlines
So your pants with buttons are current enemy #1. We get it. We get it so much, in fact, that we haven’t worn pants with buttons in, like...years. So, if you haven’t already, now is the time to start embracing stretchy pants. The good news is that we happen to be experts on the matter and can recommend a pair (or two or three or four) that will hide quite literally every one of your problem areas from the chest down (we’re still working on our Hold Your Honkers Miracle Bra. More details to follow ;)). Our pants come in three different styles, though for the winter, you’ll likely want to stick with our Sleek Cheeks Leggings or Booty Patootie Bootcut. Trust us, once you go Haunches, you never go back to buttons.
3. Control tops make everything better
If your office is stuck in the dark ages and insists that you wear clothes with buttons and zippers (though, we must ask: why do you work there?), don’t worry, all hope is not lost. Thanks to our control tops, you can hide your belly AND rock a suit. Our On Top Tank Top can be worn under any blouse and will instantly smooth and flatten. Basically, they’ll make you look like you spent your entire break training for a marathon which is great, because the only marathon you did involved Bravo and the Real Housewives.
4. As Miranda Lambert would say, “fix your makeup, girl”
If you want to draw attention away from the current holiday weight gain situation, simply draw others’ eyes away from it. Simple things like doing your hair, wearing makeup, and adding eye-catching earrings to your outfit will keep people focused on your face and not your jiggles. While you may not love how your clothes are fitting at the moment, there are worse things in life than having an excuse to make a weekly blowout appointment. And if your husband ever asks what DryBar is and why it’s showing up on your AmEx bill, simply turn around, stare at him for about fifteen seconds and say “did you just call me fat?” Conversation over. You’re welcome.